Advocate (like no-one is watching, and until someone does!)

Carol Joy in her 30s

This road is difficult for all of us...especially for Mom...

She cannot move or control her body.  Her means of communication has been reduced to smiles, mumbles, gasps and winces.  She is my mother, and now that Alzheimer's Disease has stolen her voice I feel a duty to make mine heard much louder and clearer than before.

Much as it pains me, I know it is important to share the sad moments with you too, to give those just embarking on this roller coaster ride an idea of what to expect.  I wish someone had prepared me for what was coming...I think it would have given me the unspoken permission I need to feel sad, relieved, frightened and angry...all the while knowing I am not alone.

Things continue to decline.   Mom cannot even squirm to adjust herself in her wheelchair.  She cannot tell us if she is in pain other than to gasp or cry out.

New problems have surfaced over the past couple of months, which are exacerbated by her diabetes and Paratonia...she has developed her first pressure ulcer (aka bedsore) and while it's not infected, it's also not healing.  She also has these inflammations on her middle and ring fingertips on one hand.  They look sore and she winces when they're touched - which is often because they need to keep her fingers limber by placing them in splints.

I keep asking for them to be looked at - sounding more and more like a broken record.  She's been on a couple of rounds of antibiotics with no success.  They tell me there is no infection.  While I am not a doctor, I know something is wrong and this is not normal.  Everyone tells me the fingers just look like that now, that this is a normal side effect of the progression of her disease, that it is "not their department" - you need to speak with "so and so" in "such and such" department.  So I have been asking....the Occupational Therapist, the Nurses, the ATC staff, the doctor, the PSW and the Paratonia Study Doctor.

I have worked together with Mom's caregivers: Mildred, and Cristy, who is covering Mildred's maternity leave.  They work tirelessly to keep her nails short and to soak her fingers in Epsom salts thrice daily. They keep her dry and clean and the bedsore covered.  Nothing is working.

A couple of weeks ago a new face (to me) appeared in Mom's room when Becca, Dad and I were visiting. She was bringing in new saline and gauze for use on Mom's bedsore.  I asked her about Mom's fingers.  She pleasantly told me that they are not infected, that this is a Paratonia issue, and I need to deal with that department.  I explained that each department tells me to speak with someone else, and appealed to her for help.  She told me to ask for a family meeting, that they cannot keep giving my mother antibiotics or she'll end up with C. difficile.  I said I don't want antibiotics, or to tell them how to treat this - but look at her hand - we need to do something!

Carol Joy in her late 30s/early 40s

Let me stress that I was polite and pleasant.  Becca is my harshest critic and tells me whenever I am snooty or clipped,  and she found no fault with my manner that day.   But somehow I made a bad first impression.  Now, when I walk into the unit, I get the once-over...you know the one - where they look you up and down with just a hint of attitude, like in high school when you walked past the popular mean girls?  Oh well, it was juvenile then and it still is, and I couldn't care less...except that my mother needs help, and now that I am seen as a pain, I'm afraid she's going to get even less help...

But I am a tough broad - my mother taught me well.  The following morning I called for a family appointment and insisted that ALL departments be represented at the meeting so we can get to the bottom of this.  Then I bought Epsom salts for Cristy to soak Mom's fingers.  I also asked her to ask the nursing staff for polysporin for the fingers...this request was flatly refused, citing that my mother is not a burn patient and polysporin is for burns...OK...so I bought our own tube of polysporin!

In the meantime, the ATC staff called me to find out why I called them into the meeting.  I explained the problem.  Bless her...she listened.  (Let's call her my ATC Angel).  She told me that bedsores are not normal, and arranged to see Mom before her next Botox appointment.  She said not to do anything before she looked at Mom's wheelchair, etc.  She arranged for the OT to be there.

Mom & Dad, newlyweds in the mid 1960s

Monday noon came and I closed the office (Dad was now really sick in bed with his "cold") and went off for the appointments.  Sara came with me.  We went to meet my ATC Angel.  She spent a lot of time with us, re-adjusting the wheelchair settings that should never be changed (ugghh!), teaching Cristy exactly how to tilt and support Mom in the chair, and then it happened.  She touched Mom's hand.  Her gasp stunned us all... ATC Angel looked at Mom's fingers and confirmed that it definitely was not normal!  And at the end of the appointment she looked up at me as she wrote her report and said I was right...that my concerns were valid and I need to trust my instincts.  I started to cry...they were tears of relief.  After 2 months of asking for help, and being told she was fine, I began thinking that I was the problem...now I had confirmation from someone in the know that it was not me being difficult.

On to the next appointment ...the Botox follow up...this was a crucial meeting, especially because everyone is telling me that Paratonia is the root cause of her fingers being inflamed, etc..  I learned a lot at this meeting... most of all that I need to be present a lot more.  They need to see my face, even if it annoys them.  I cannot rely on others to take the reigns and ensure that appointments are made and follow ups are done.

It turns out that a referral to Dermatology was made by the Botox Clinic following the May 27th visit, when the doctor determined my mother was suffering from Paronychia (ingrowing of the nail from the sides).  No visit ever happened.  I have yet to determine if an appointment was even made.  I was not at that Botox appointment.  It is hard for me to close up my office each time and run to routine appointments - our clients rely on me to be there during business hours.   But clearly, I need to be at the appointments to advocate.  Now I am worried and guilt-ridden.  The doctor came in and tried to look at Mom's hand.  Another gasp - these aren't dainty little gasps, but full-out cries of pain.  The doctor confirmed what I knew...there is something really wrong with her fingers.  They should not look that way.  They are inflamed and likely infected and need to be seen by a doctor who deals with wounds.  The problem is not Paratonia, although the "paralysis" of the fingers does not help it.

Our ATC Angel and Botox doctor both said that Mom needed to be seen by the wound clinic - I didn't even know there was such a clinic.

I got home and immediately called Mom's attending physician.  I no longer feel comfortable turning to the nurse for help - she obviously views me as a troublemaker.  He agreed that Mom has paronychia, but attributed it to the Paratonia.  I asked him to humour me and make a referral to the wound clinic.  To his credit, he agreed.

Life went on...Dad was still really sick and getting worse...so Sara and I dropped the polysporin to Cristy on Tuesday and then picked up Dad to take him to the doctor.  His breathing was shallow...something was not right.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS...I need to remind myself of this...the doctor said it was likely pneumonia, and we needed to get a chest X-ray right away and get him on antibiotics.  We dropped Sara at home, headed to the lab, got his X-ray, grabbed a quick bite to eat a Centre Street Deli (where I had not been since I was last there years ago with both my parents) and then filled the prescription.  I got Dad settled at home, with home-made chicken soup with lokshen, jello, etc., and went home to fall into bed.

The next morning they confirmed it was pneumonia.  Oy and vey!  I had 2 sick parents, an office to keep running, and a brother out-of-town on business!  That's when I need to tell you that I am blessed.  I have a husband who steps in, no questions asked, and does what needs to be done so I can do the same. Carlo is my rock, my best friend and this week - my salvation.

So, between running to my Dad's to make sure he was OK, and keeping the office running, I was a little tuckered out.  And then on Thursday I got a text from Cristy.  It was 12:39.  Was I coming to the wound clinic appointment?  WHAT?!?!?  I had no idea there was an appointment.  No-one told me.  It was at 1:30.  I had a Bell repair technician in my office and a client coming to drop off important documentation.  So I said I would try to be there.

For those of you who are not GTA (Greater Toronto Area) residents, allow me to explain.  It is a 45 minute drive from my home to my parents' respective homes.  Depending on rush hour, it is the same drive to my office these days (thank you urban sprawl).  It is a 20 to 30 minute drive from my office to Mom or Dad's places.  And coming home from their places during rush hour is a 60 to 90 minute drive.

So...I MADE IT!  The Matriarchs must have been shining down on me, because I was in the examination room 5 minutes before the doctor came in.  I saw the bedsore.  My heart broke.  This is my mother.  The woman who gave me life, and sustained me through 9 + 1 operations (one I was in my 30s), through heartbreak and celebrations, who loved me with every fibre of her being.  And look at her now.  I pray she does not know what is happening to her...

The Wound Clinic doctor confirmed what I knew all along...she has an infection in her fingers, and a bedsore that won't heal but thankfully is not infected.   The doctor prescribed topical treatments for both, and a different antibiotic for her fingers - BECAUSE THEY ARE INFECTED.  The joke is that they looked ten times better at this appointment because of Cristy's relentless efforts to soak her fingers, dressing them with polysporin I brought in after my request for some was refused.

As we waited for the porter to help us back to Mom's room, I gently stroked her head, and kissed her forehead, all the while telling her that it was going to be OK now...we finally got help, and the hurting will stop.  I told her not to worry, that I was a tough broad, just like she taught me, and I will not let her be forgotten.  She looked up at me with clear eyes and smiled.  And as this moment unfolded, I remembered lying on a hospital bed, scared and hurting, with my mother (and father) stroking my head and telling me it would be OK, that they would make sure of it.

Mom and me...once upon a time, when she was my advocate

I put a call into Mom's unit clerk about this yesterday.  He assures me that this nurse is one of the best they have, with a heart of gold.

Maybe she is, maybe we got off on the wrong foot.  I don't want to go after anyone and have them punished. I don't need another best friend - I have enough, thanks.  I just want my mother to be cared for, and her suffering to be acknowledged, taken seriously and alleviated wherever possible.

So I am taking my concerns to the floor supervisor. While no-one needs to like me, they have a professional duty to ensure my mother is cared for.  They have a duty to take the time to listen to her family's concerns, to document them, and to seek appropriate care.  If they are not authorized to dole out medications or salves, they still need to note the request and bring it to the attention to someone who is authorized to do so.

And Dad...he is improving daily, thank G-d.  He is a tough cookie, and not much keeps him down.  But I am cooking for him, making sure that he has healthy, home-made meals to help him regain his strength and recover from the pneumonia.

What's the lesson I've learned from all this? ADVOCATE, and keep advocating...and trust your instincts...because eventually someone will hear you, and help.

Dessert Jello - Delicious!

The finished product - Dessert Jello

I love Jello.

It was one of the only hospital foods I liked during my many stays at Sick Children's hospital 40+ years ago.  I loved the orange, green, yellow and red squares that would arrive with my lunch and dinner every  day.  I marvelled at the way they held their shape and loved the way each square was topped with a dollop of whipped cream.  

Those were hard times for my parents, and for me.  I can remember a great deal from those early years...the overwhelming sense of panic when my parents had to leave me at the end of each day, and the sense of doom as the orderlies wheeled me into the operating room.  There were nurses standing all around me, and then the heavy, black plastic mask was placed over my face to  administer anaesthesia.  I remember waking up in post-op, surrounded by huge stuffed animals, and being stuck under an oxygen tent with my arm permanently suspended from an IV stand so the skin grafts could heal.  Mixed in with these memories are happy ones...feeling like I could burst with excitement and joy as my wonderful Daddy carried me through the hospital corridors, walls covered in Halloween Decorations.  I was in awe of him and how he managed to "spring me" for a night so I could go trick or treating.  And I remember the jello with whipped cream on top.  The amazing thing is that I was 4 years old when I had my last surgery, and some of these memories date back to when I was just 2.  

But back to jello.  For me it's always been a comfort food that heals and soothes.

When my cousin Connie recently mentioned that the jello mold Bubbie Lou used to make was one of her favourites, I was intrigued.  I don't remember it...but think I should.  I do have a very vague memory of a jello and whipped cream mold being served, and thinking it was yummy...and so I finally got around to making it, excited at the prospect of rediscovering another lost treasure from my youth.

Bubbie Lou's Original Recipe Card

I pulled the recipe and started to make jello.  It calls for 3 different jello flavours - each to be prepared and layered on top of the last, allowing sufficient time between layers for it to gel.  Given that I am always running about, this "hurry up and wait" stuff was rather annoying.  The first layer of lime jello took a couple of hours to set and simply looked like regular jello.  The second layer was a little more interesting - whipping cream, jello with marshmallows, whipped cream cheese and drained pineapple chunks...hmmm....I layered the second level of jello and then it was back to square one - waiting again!  Finally it set and then it was time for a clear layer of the third flavour.  I used watermelon instead of cherry (it was what I had on hand).  When it was all done, and set - some 6 hours after I started! - I showed the kids, who pointed out that it looked like an Italian flag (albeit the colours were in reverse).

I had been in a cooking/baking mood that day, and also made a pie, which I planned on taking to Mary and Tony's for a day of swimming (remember their wedding story?), when the kids suggested I bring the Dessert Jello too, after all, everyone there (except me they reminded) was Italian!  So I did.  We picked up Mama and Papa Bruni on the way and headed over.  It was a hot day and their pool was a mekheye (Yiddish word pronounced meh-chai-yuh, meaning an extreme pleasure/relief - out of this world wonderful!).  During our afternoon of frolicking in the pool I discovered that Tony loves jello too!

After the BBQ we all sat down for dessert....we brought out my Italian Dessert Jello and I scooped servings for everyone.  It was pretty good - maybe a little too much cream cheese for my liking (there was no measurement so I guessed and used a full 8 oz package), but otherwise it was yummy!

What was the best part for me?  That this timeless recipe lives on, and that some 50 - 60 years after my Bubbie Lou used to make this recipe and serve it to her family at gatherings, the tradition lives on, and her granddaughter is preparing and serving it to her family ©

From my family to yours, I hope you enjoy this Dessert Jello, a perfect treat to beat the heat!

Until next time, I wish you a wonderful day filled with family, fun, friends and fantastic food.  B'Tayavon & Buon Appetito!

Dessert Jello 

Ingredients:

• 1 - 3 oz pkg lime jello
• 1 - 3 oz pkg lemon jello
• 15 marshmallows
• 1 small can crushed pineapple - drained
• 1 small pkg cream cheese - whipped (I used 8 oz pkg, next time I would half that to 4 oz)
• 1C whipping cream - whipped

Method:
In clear glass bowl (remember the bowl you prepare this in is the one you serve it in), prepare lime jello according to directions.  Allow to set until firm (approx 2 hours).  An hour after making lime jello prepare the lemon jello - only mixing with 1 cup of hot water.  Then add 15 marshmallows.  Allow marshmallows to melt and then cool mixture.  In separate bowl, mix whipped cream cheese and drained pineapple, then fold into whipped cream,  Add this mixture to the lemon jello and marshmallows and pour the whole thing over the lime jello that has been set.  Put into fridge and allow to set firmly (at least 2 more hours).  Prepare cherry jello, mix and allow to cool before pouring over the other 2 set jellos.  Allow to set in fridge for another 2 hours.  Then serve!

** Note: If you want to cut the dessert jello into squares then prepare it in a deep Pyrex dish (haven't tried this yet).  To serve, cut into squares and serve with  a dollop of whipped cream and topped with a cherry.

Chocolate K'mish (Komish) - It's all in the way the cookie crumbles

They say that some of the strongest memories and associations derive from food experiences and tastes... have you ever found that a certain smell or scent transported you back to an earlier time in your life? 


Passover eating restrictions begin around the noon hour on the first Seder.  Coincidentally, that's about the time that I would be overcome with a sudden, desperate hunger for sweets and treats.  Davie and I would devour the Manischewitz chocolate chip cookies and the Streits' chocolate nut cookies while Mom was busily preparing for the Seders.  They were so delicious, and just crumbled in our mouths.  The texture was so unique and light, that it was impossible to eat just one!  By the time Mom would discover us, the box would be empty.

Well, this is exactly what happened when I took my first bite of Bubbie Lou's Chocolate K'mish (aka Komish Broyt).  Join me, won't you, as we go back to the beginning...about 40 years ago.  

I'm sorry to say that I've never been fond of Passover...it represents a week of dining purgatory for me...no pasta, no bread, limited chips and cookies as Mom would ration them - Kosher for Passover ("KLP") goodies were (and still are) very expensive.  Mom would buy a limited number of bags of chips, and even fewer boxes of cookies. Toss in one bag of bazooka gum, a couple of bags of coconut-covered marshmallows and some fruit jellies (I cannot stand the sight of fruit jellies, let alone the taste!) and that was it for the week.

Fast forward to the present.  When I buy KLP treats I cringe at the prices of sweet treats...especially given the fact that I can make nosherai (nibbles) that are just as good for a fraction of the price.  But nothing I've made ever compared to the amazing crumbly chocolate chip cookies from my childhood. 

You may point out that it's July, and Passover has passed (excuse the pun).  Why, you wonder, am I going on and on about these cookies?  Funny you should ask...the other week I was itching to make a new sweet treat.  I perused Bubbie Lou and Mom's recipes and found one for Chocolate K'mish.  I was so excited ...Carlo loves anything chocolate, so these were sure to be a huge success.

I had to stock up on a couple of ingredients that weren't in my cantina - one being ground almonds.  I proceeded to make the K'mish recipe, and found that they were crumbling a little as I sliced the loaves into cookies.  I thought nothing of it, and returned the cookies (which are very similar to biscotti) to the oven to dry out.  When they were done, and cooled, I took a taste and lo and behold, all these memories came flooding back to me - the texture was just like that of the Passover chocolate chip cookies!  It must be the ground almonds (replacing half of the flour in a regular mandelbroty recipe)...talk about coming full circle!

Bubbie Lou's Original Recipe Card
(with cooking stains to boot!)

I think I am the biggest fan of this new cookie, but Carlo likes them too...as he says "he never met a cookie he didn't like". 


From my family to yours, I hope you enjoy these Chocolate K'mish as much as I do.


Until next time,  I wish you a wonderful day filled with family, fun, friends and fantastic food.  B'Tayavon and Buon Appetito!


Bubbie Lou's Chocolate K'mish

Ingredients:

• 7 oz semi-sweet chocolate chips

• 1C sliced almonds (don't use whole almonds, because too difficult to slice loaves & cookies crumble)

• 3 eggs

• 1C white granulated sugar

• 1C oil (I prefer canola)

• 2C crushed/ground almonds

• 2½C flour

• 2 tsp baking powder

• 1 tsp salt 

• 1 tsp vanilla extract

• cinnamon sugar (blended) to taste

Method: 

Preheat oven to 350˚. Beat eggs, sugar and oil in mixer.  Combine dry ingredients separately and then add to mixture.  Blend in sliced almonds and chocolate chips.  Separate dough into 3 parts, and pat down into 3 greased (I spray with Pam) loaf pans.  Bake for ½ hour.  Remove loaves from oven and reduce oven temperature to 225˚.  Allow loaves to cool for 5 minutes, then remove from pans and slice while hot.  Place on lined cookie sheet and sprinkle with cinnamon sugar.  Return to 225˚ oven for 2 hours to dry out.  

Happy 4th of July - Red, White and Blueberry Trifle

I  wanted to take a moment to wish all my friends, family and readers celebrating American Independence Day a very happy 4th of July!

If you're looking for the perfect light and refreshing dessert to compliment your 4th of July BBQ, why not try a red white and blueberry trifle?  Using a clear bowl (for full effect) simply alternate layers of white cake (cut into bite-size squares), whipped cream, sliced strawberries and blueberries, and toasted almond slices, finishing with your own pretty design on top.  Chill until you're ready to serve this delish dish!

From my family to yours, I wish you a wonderful day filled with family, fun, friends and fantastic food.  B'Tayavon and Buon Appetito!

Naomi's Trifle

Ingredients:

• 1 white cake, cut into bite-size pieces
• 1 large tub of cool whip (or full serving size of home-made whipped cream, you can use non-dairy as well)
• 1 lb.  package of blueberries, rinsed
• 1 lb. package of strawberries, rinsed and quartered
• 1 package of sliced almonds, toasted 

Method:
Bake your white cake, and allow to cool before cutting into bite-size pieces.  (I like to make cupcakes and then cut them into eighths - less crumbs).  Using a clear bowl, layer the ingredients, starting with some whip cream at the bottom, covered by fruit, nuts and then white cake.  Continue layering until you reach the top of the bowl, finishing off with a layer of whipped cream, your own design with the berries and sliced almonds!  Refrigerate until you are ready to serve.

Getting Back to Basics & Healing a Broken Heart

Jordy and Naomi (2013)

Every now and then my journey as a daughter of Alzheimer's Disease takes an unexpected turn.

Slowly, over time, the dramatic roller coaster of emotions comes to a stop, and you find yourself gliding, almost coasting through your new normal.  New routines develop, and you begin to breathe again, relaxing and going on with life.  And then, out of the blue, the shocking reality hits you, and you realize that everything has changed, and you can never go back.  That's the kind of week I am having...I find myself suddenly drowning in an abyss of grief.  I know it's all part of the journey, but it doesn't make the experience any easier to bear.

I miss my Mom so much it hurts.  I feel the tears, welling up in the back of my throat, just waiting for any opportunity to escape.  She was my very best friend.  Granted, she was quite smothering, and it drove me crazy (probably everything I am with my girls now), but if I could just have one more day with her, I would spend it in her arms, cocooned in my mother's loving embrace.  It was the most comforting feeling I have ever known, and now it's forever lost to me.  Sometimes, when the hurt and longing overwhelm me, I take myself back to specific memories of her holding me, cuddling me, and I can almost feel her.  Eventually, like a form of meditation, it brings me some serenity. 

It's at these times that I replay a moment in time, over and over in my head:  when Mom was in the early stages of Alzheimer's she would spend Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other Friday with Becca and me, and then with Sara when she was finished her school day.  On one of those days, as I busily rushed around my kitchen, preparing snacks or dinner, my mother looked at me and said "Nomi, remember how much I love you.  I need you to know this because there will come a time when I will no longer be able to communicate, and I need you to always know how much I love you.".  Time stopped and we quietly looked at each other, tears in our eyes and our hearts breaking.  At that moment I couldn't know how much pain and anguish was to follow.  I could not know how, in years to come, I would cling to those words and the image of that memory.  Oh Mama, I know you love me, and I love you too.  More than I ever knew was possible.  More than I can put into mere words.  And I miss you so so much.  

I try not to dwell on the sadness, it doesn't help to wallow in pity parties, and I am thankful to be blessed with a compliment of family, friends and acquaintances, who are loving, and supportive, and make my life wonderful.  And most days, these connections are all I need.  

Which leads me to my theory of why I am suddenly back on the roller coaster again. 

One of my dearest friends, Aviva, moved to Calgary yesterday.  She has walked every step of this journey with me, living similar experiences to mine, as dementia has ravaged my mother and her mother-in-law.  Last November her husband, our friend Joel, received the job offer of a lifetime...the only catch (for me) was that it was in Calgary.  He moved there at the end of January, while Aviva stayed on in Toronto give her son the opportunity to finish off his school year, and herself the opportunity to prepare for the cross-country move.  It was all surreal, though, and life went on.  And then, on Friday (2 days ago), it hit me.  I didn't know what was wrong at first, but tears kept surfacing at the oddest moments, and I felt like I was walking under a rain cloud all day.  And then it dawned on me, even though my brain wasn't letting me think about her leaving, my heart was fighting to be heard, and took the lead in this struggle....ergo the tears.  

Aviva and Naomi (2013)

I know this is just another chapter in our friendship, and that we will meet up with them in Banff, Vegas, etc.. I know that we always have Skype, Facebook, unlimited texting and great long distance plans to keep us going between trips and visits.  But that is all logical.  Doesn't change the fact that my heart is a little broken.  

We went for one last breakfast yesterday, before they got on a plane bound for Calgary.  Becca and Ross came, and thank goodness our friend Trish came too.  She can lighten the darkest situation, and she did.  We laughed and visited for an hour and a half, no tears, no sadness.  As we bid one another adieu, Aviva and I held it together.  Almost no tears (we choked them back), and we were out the door of the restaurant.  And then Joel hugged me goodbye and said something that opened the floodgates.  Tears started pouring, literally pouring out of my eyes!  I hugged my friend, told her to make it good, and walked to our car, not looking back for fear of completely breaking down.   This is how we closed a chapter that started some 10 years ago, when we first met at Hebrew School and I dragged her to a parent council meeting.  While my heart is a little heavy right now, I am excited for what the new chapter will bring and for the amazing life ahead of them in Alberta.  

Our final, farewell breakfast

In the meantime, I think my matriarchs were "up there", anticipating how hard this parting would be, and made some magic...

Weeks ago, long before I knew the exact date that Joel and Aviva would be flying out to Calgary, Jordy - my best best friend from high school, who remains a dear friend of mine to this day - insisted that we nail down a date to get our families together for dinner.  We settled on June 29th.  Jordy was my rock throughout my teenage years.  Whether it was an academic crisis or a social one, he was the one person who could cheer me up and make it better.  And believe me, being the drama queen I was, he had his work cut out for him!  I could not think of a better way to spend an evening than with Jordy, his beautiful wife Deb (and I mean beautiful - she is the nicest, sweetest and most gracious person, much like her husband) and their adorable kids.  

As I was preparing some baking to take to Deb and Jordy's, I got a text that my cousin Connie (Michael's sister, Jack's aunt) was in town for a couple of days and was next door visiting, inviting me to pop over.  So I left Sara and her friend to keep decorating cookies (bless them, they are gorgeous - check out the photo below) and I went over for a visit.  

I think I keep myself busy and always running because it helps me to avoid stopping, and thinking, and feeling.  It is emotionally easier for me to keep running a never-ending marathon.  But I stopped, for a while, and just visited.  And it felt good.  I looked around me at my family...Paul's kids and grandkids and Louise's granddaughter.  Together, laughing and visiting.  Connie and my mother grew up together, cousins in a close-knit family.  She is vibrant, bright and beautiful...everything Mom would be if the Alzheimer's didn't consume  her.  And it hit me...this is the circle of life.  I thought about how happy Bubbie Lou, Uncle Paul, Bubbie Gertie and Mom would be to see the closeness and connection continuing into the next generation, and a sense of serenity and peacefulness washed over me.  My heavy heart started to lighten. 

Then we went to Jordy and Deb's.  The stories kept coming, and the laughter never subsided.  But it never does with Jordy.  He is the most fun-loving, optimistic, kind person.  My parents love him...always did.  My mother especially adored him.  Really, truly, she did...he could do no wrong in her eyes.  They loved the same things - steak, gin & tonics (once he was older, of course!), House of Chan....the list goes on.  He even came on family vacations with us, and I with his family.  

Mom and Jordy on my 19th birthday

He went to see Mom at Baycrest a few weeks ago, and even though she could not open her eyes, she responded to his voice, trying to speak and moving her leg (one way she still has to let us know she's there).  And what was Jordy's reaction?  Ever the positive-thinking sweetheart, he told me that she looked good, and he was so happy to have had the opportunity to see her.  I think I can still learn a thing or two from Jords.

But back to our visit...we talked about how he taught me to drive - and almost got ejected from the car (he never told me to brake before throwing it into park!); how his older brother still blames me, to this day, for their car dying on Old Forest Hill Road in the dead of winter - I wasn't even driving, but he could not be convinced of that; and how this same brother insisted I was the mastermind behind their car ending up on the top of a 6 foot high snowbank (really, do you think I was strong enough or smart enough for that?!?).  Through it all back then, we laughed and never took life too seriously. 

Jordy and Naomi ...25 years ago

Jordy and Naomi (2013)

I looked around the table...at my dear friend, his wonderful wife, my beloved husband and these 4 incredible, funny, sweet kids of ours and my heart started to heal.  I listened to his kids tell funny stories, and while it was momentarily weird to watch my past and present collide, I was amazed to see my 16-year-old bonding with my high school best friend much like my mother used to.  Again...it's that circle of life...

Sara and Jordy (2013)

Suffice it to say, an evening with good friends and a long shared history together was exactly what the doctor ordered.  We spent the night laughing and reminiscing and before I knew it we were all yawning and it was way past my bedtime.  

And the moral of this story?  Life hurts sometimes, there are bumps in the road, and heartache around some corners, but life does go on.  Cherish every minute, live in the moment, and hold on to those special people in your life...they make it all worthwhile.  

And  now, I plan to peruse my Golden Recipes and find the Jello Mold dessert (yes, I have mangia cake roots) for Connie - a favourite of hers from years ago.  We figure no-one but she and I will eat this dish, but what the heck...it's just another cobblestone on my culinary trip down memory lane.

Until next time, I wish you a wonderful day filled with family, fun, friends, fantastic food and a little peace and serenity too.  B'Tayavon and Buon Appetito!

Louise's Lemon Pie...Isn't it Lovely?

My mother always made wonderful pies, with whole wheat flour, no less!  Her pastry dough was always light and flaky and delicious...the perfect vessel to house her Bubbie Gertie's delicious strawberry rhubarb compote/filling.

I have not been so lucky with pastry dough...it's always hit and miss with me.  One of my regrets is that I never took advantage of the opportunity to learn at my mother's side.  I always figured there was time, and one day I would sit down with her and learn her secrets.  Now...well, it's too late.  

Over the past 2 years of experimenting with family recipes and blogging about Mom and the matriarchs,  and I have grown more confident in my abilities to hold my own in a kitchen.  I have decided that this is the summer when I will finally face my baking nemesis - the pie - head on.  

I decided to start off with a simple pie - (my) Aunt Adele's Lemon Pie.  As far back as I can remember, Carlo has loved lemon meringue pie.  His Aunt Jessie is a wonderful baker who used to make him lemon meringue pies to his heart's content, so there was no need for me to learn.  Truth be told, I was too intimidated to try and bake anything, never dreaming it could measure up to Aunt Jessie's creations.  

Now, I just needed an occasion.  This past weekend we had a farewell dinner for our friends - Joel and Aviva and their son, Ross - who are moving to Calgary tomorrow (gasp!).  I wanted to make it a special meal, and I knew that I would write about it, so I wanted to try a new dessert and feature the recipe in my post.  But time was an issue, as it turns out this was also the weekend of Rebecca's soccer tournament; which meant games on Friday evening, Saturday morning and afternoon, and Sunday morning and afternoon.  In between all that I needed to prepare a "from scratch" meal.  Why "from scratch"?  Because I wanted to and we know that I am stubborn (wink). 

As I flipped through Mom's recipes, I came across "Lemon Pie".  It was perfect!  Carlo loves it, it seems to be a relatively simple recipe (not a lot of time or effort) and who doesn't like Lemon Meringue Pie?  Joel doesn't...I found that out as I served the mini pies!  Luckily I also made a Cherry Cheesecake (thanks for the suggestion Sara!).  

So, on Saturday night, after a long day of soccer (watching and cheering is hard work!), I made 18 mini lemon pies.  

Bubbie Lou's recipe card was not as clear as I would have liked, but I was able to wing it and apparently they were delicious!  Would you believe that I did not even try one?!  Not that I don't like them, I just plain forgot, and before I knew it, they were gone

From my family to yours, I hope you enjoy this recipe for Lemon Pie.  Until my next post, I wish you a wonderful day, filled with family, fun, friends and fantastic food.  B'Tayavon & Buon Appetito!

Bubbie Lou & Aunt Adele's Lemon Pie 

Crust Ingredients:

• 1¼C graham cracker crumbs
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• ¼C melted butter

Filling Ingredients:

• Sheriff's Lemon Pie Filling (told you it was easy!)

Meringue Ingredients:

• 3 egg whites
• 6 tbsp granulated sugar
• pinch of cream of tartar

Method:

Preheat oven to 300˚.  

First, prepare the crust: Melt butter.  In medium-sized bowl, blend graham cracker crumbs and cinnamon.  Mix with melted butter.  Press into greased pie plate or, if you're making tarts/mini pies, into aluminum muffin cups. (Press crust mixture as you would for a cheesecake, along the bottom and slightly up the sides).  Bake crust(s) for approximately 15 minutes, then leave to cool.  

While the crust is cooling, lower the oven temperature to 250˚, and make the filling - it's easy (just follow the directions on the box)!  Remember to reserve the whites from the yolks that you're using in the filling!

Lastly, beat the egg whites, slowly adding sugar and cream of tartar, until the meringue peaks hold.  

Layer the filling over the crust, and top with meringue peaks. Bake until golden (approximately 20 minutes) and cool.  Refrigerate until ready to serve.  

Prackus (Cabbage Rolls)

Prackus (cabbage rolls in sweet tomato sauce)

If I close my eyes and let my mind drift, I find myself floating back to my mother's kitchen in my childhood home...we are standing together at the table, rolling prackus.

I can see the grape leaves that she was carefully laying out, and recall my horror when I realized that she expected me to eat leaves!  In my young mind there was no difference between the leaves that fell from the maple tree in our front yard, and the "delicacy" she was using to roll up my beloved cabbage rolls!

She tried to explain that the lettuce we ate in our salads was a form of a leaf...but that only exacerbated an already deteriorating situation...I simply decided not to eat salad anymore!

Well, she left me to my "Sara Barnyard" melodramatic moment, and we began rolling prackus for Yom Tov.  I don't think I ate the leaves.  Rather, I think I unwrapped my portion and ate the sweet and sour filling, delighting in yet another marvellous morsel from the Matriarchs.

To this day, when I stroll through the grocery store and come across the jars of marinated grape leaves, I think back to that day and smile at the memory.

Prackus (stuffed cabbage rolls) were always a treat in our house, and Mom and Bubbie Lou often served them on the Jewish Holidays.  It's funny how we pass on information and ideas to our kids without even realizing it. For me, one such notion was that making cabbage rolls was a laborious task to be dreaded.

Consequently, every time I would think to make this dish I quickly talked myself out of the idea, reasoning that I would need hours to make them.

And then, in late April I met up with a group of  foodies that I met in Norene's kitchen for an impromptu lunch, and my Facebook friendships were instantly transformed into real friendships.  As we  shared stories and recipes, I thought of my mother, and how much she would have loved to have been a part of such an afternoon.  SHE was the reason I was here...losing her to Alzheimer's propelled me into a world of food, cooking and discovery...oh, how I wish she could have been with me to enjoy these amazing ladies.

As I sat with Norene, Aviva, Michal, Miriam, Robin, Shayla and Helene, I was inspired to get back to cooking, and wanted to find a traditional Jewish family recipe for my next culinary adventure.  So, after we said our goodbyes, Aviva and I went off to Kosher Longos, where I picked up a cabbage and some kosher ground beef.

The following day (Monday) I cut away the cabbage core, boiled the head of cabbage, drained it and refrigerated it.  Maybe the whole boiling process took an hour, but I really didn't notice, because I was making cannelloni (from scratch!) the whole time.

My boiled, cored head of cabbage 

On Tuesday, after we cleaned up from dinner, I set about making the cabbage rolls, bracing myself for hours of labouring at my kitchen counter.  I (foolishly) veered away from the family recipe (big mistake! I think this is why they weren't a hit with my family - follow the recipe below, I will next time!) sauteed some chopped onions, browned the ground beef and cooked some basmati rice.  At the same time, I cooked a tin of diced tomatoes with some brown sugar.  While everything browned and cooked, I gently peeled the cabbage leaves, cutting away the tougher centre of each leave and reserving these pieces for another of Mom's recipes.  Sounds like a lot of work, no?  No!  This process took no more than half an hour from start to finish!

I browned the ground beef - big mistake!
LEAVE IT RAW!! I will next time...

Boil basmati rice - you can still do this,
I think it would add a little filler to your roll

Mix eggs, basmati rice and RAW ground beef
(along with salt, pepper and garlic salt/powder)

Add bread crumbs or matzo meal

"Mixie Mixie a la Pixie, Diddly Dum and Diddly Dixie"
(click here for the post with the back story for this phrase)

Cabbage head ready to roll! Boiled & cored.

Single cabbage leaf

Then I started to roll the prackus, thinking this must be the challenging and time consuming part.  The first roll  took all of 30 seconds...now I was perplexed!  Thirty seconds?!  I figured that it must take a long time to roll them all.  But it didn't...the entire process was done and my kitchen cleaned by 7:30!

Place meat mixture at bottom (core) end of leaf

Fold bottom of leaf upward over mixture,
 then start rolling from one side

And roll from the other side...

Place roll seam-down in your Pyrex dish

I used two Pyrexes so I could make both sauces

So the moral of my story - a moral that I keep reminding myself of - is that these recipes do not take so long, and they are worth the time and effort to make.

I made 2 types of cabbage rolls - the sweet and sour version from my youth, and a peppery sauerkraut version similar to a dish  my sister-in-law Renate makes.

Sauerkraut Cabbage Rolls

Our family's traditional tomato cabbage rolls

They were all delicious, if I say so myself.  But, I discovered that they are also an acquired taste, and one that I may have introduced to my family a little too late.  While this dish will not be a regular feature in my weekly menu, I will continue Mom's tradition and prepare them for Jewish Holidays.

From my family to yours, here is an "old country" recipe that I treasure and hope you will too.  Whatever you're having, I wish you a wonderful day filled with family, fun, friends and fantastic food.  B'Tayavon and Buon Appetito!

Bubbie Lou's original recipe card

Prackus

Cabbage Roll Ingredients:
1 head of cabbage
3 lbs of ground beef
2 eggs
salt, pepper & garlic salt to taste
1 small onion, grated (drain any liquid)
small handful of breadcrumbs or matzo meal (maybe ¼C)

Sweet Tomato Sauce Ingredients:

1 tin of diced tomatoes
3 tbsp brown sugar
dash of lemon juice (to taste, if too sweet)

Sauerkraut Topping Ingredients:

1 jar sauerkraut

salt and black pepper to taste

Cabbage Roll Method:
Place cabbage in pot of boiling water.  Boil gently for about 30 minutes to loosen leaves, making cuts around  core first.  Separate leaves on towel/paper towel.  Combine meat mixture ingredients and roll up in the cabbage leaves. Line cabbage rolls in a Pyrex dish (use 2 dishes if you want to try both sauces).

Sweet Tomato Sauce Method:
Fry onions in canola oil until golden brown in medium sauce pan.  Add diced tomatoes (with juice), brown sugar and lemon juice.  Bring to boil and remove from heat.  

Baking Instructions for either type of cabbage roll:
Preheat oven to  to 350˚.  Cover cabbage rolls (lined in Pyrex) with either sweet tomato mixture OR sauerkraut mixture (topped with a healthy dose of black pepper).  Cover with aluminum foil and bake for 1½ to 2 hours.  Then serve.